3-11/the prequel 4 (doubt)...

good morning today is day 9

of my lenten project.

it is also monday, march 11, 2013.

i want to welcome you.

~@~

i happened to glance over at

a flat of geraniums i had never planted.

the whole flat had been dried up (dead)

for two months or longer.

i just hadn't taken the time

to discard them.

well, the whole flat had come to life.

the leaves were green,

and the flowers were in full bloom!!!

i knew...

~@~

yes, i said i sat there "knowing"...

knowing GOD was with me,

knowing mamaw was with HIM,

knowing the flowers had been dead,

and knowing HE'd breathed life

back into the flowers.

but, i suppose i 

(who didn't really know HIM yet)

wanted...

needed...

 further affirmation.

~@~

when my mamaw died in 1997,

katherine was only four-years-old.

i mention this because 

my brother often laughs 

and refers to this period of my life

(the time between katherine's birth

and the time she was old enough

to enjoy pop culture)

as my 

"dark period".

~@~

it is true...

i hardly listened to any relevant radio.

further,

unless it was on nickelodeon

or disney,

i did not watch it on television.

however,

on the afternoon following

my mamaw's death,

i went in to work to get

things finished ahead of time

knowing i was going to have to

be away for several days.

i remember the silence was deafening;

so, i turned on the radio.

the first song i heard was a song

that spoke to my soul.

i didn't know who the artist was;

nor did i know the title of the song.

however,

i knew it was for me.

it spoke of sorrow melting away.

it spoke of strength.

it spoke of survival.

most importantly,

it spoke of hope!

this song i was hearing

for the first time,

GOD was using to reassure me.

but, i needed more!

hence,

HE provided me with more.

the song was on the radio

on my way home from work that day.

the song was on the radio

the afternoon as i made my way

to the funeral home

for our family's

visitation.

the song was on the radio

as we drove home from 

mamaw's funeral.

the song was my song.

it had been released

at.just.the.right.time.

or so i believed.

~@~

i had to have a copy of it.

i needed it.

but, 

i still didn't know who the singer was,

and

i still didn't know the title of the song.

i remember going to the cemetery

at dusk

the night we entombed mamaw.

i couldn't get the random

words out of my head.

hence,

when i left her mausoleum,

i drove directly to our local walmart.

i made my way to the electronics department

in order to purchase the single.

once in the music area,

i looked at every one of the top singles' titles.

i didn't see anything that remotely looked

like what i imagined the title to be.

thus, i looked for someone to help me,

but there was only one woman working

in the department,

and she was covered up

with a line of people

there to pick up photos.

so, i made my way once again

back to the top singles area.

"it has to be here,"

i thought to myself.

as i was having this thought

i glanced down and saw

a random cassette

lying on the shelf beneath 

the singles.

i picked it up and looked at it.

it was the album of an artist

by the name of mariah carey.

i glanced at the back of the case,

and one song title caught my eye

immediately.

hero.

"GOD, is this it?"

my bargaining began.

"i'm going to buy it.

if this is the song

i have been hearing,

i will really know

the flowers weren't

just a fluke.

i will KNOW know

this is YOU

talking to 

me.

i will KNOW mamaw is with YOU!"

~@~

i rushed to the checkout lane,

paid for the tape,

and

asked the cashier to cut

the thick plastic, stocking frame

off of it.

then i raced to my car,

turned on the ignition,

ripped the packaging off the cassette's

case,

stuck it in my player,

and fast-forwarded it to 

track number 4.

when the song started playing,

my eyes welled with tears.

hero was the song

i had been hearing on the radio.

"thank YOU, FATHER!"

~@~

"then HE said to thomas,

'put your finger here;

see my hands.

reach out your hand

and put it into my side.

stop doubting 

and believe.'" 

(niv/john 20:27)

i believe GOD speaks to

each one of us based upon

our individual need

and

in a very individual

way.

at this point in my journey,

i knew HE was speaking to me 

through song and nature.

however...

HE was also speaking to a 

"numbers woman"

in numbers.

i had just yet to recognize it.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

ps. mariah carey's hero was released 4 years prior to my hearing it for the first time...  on the 10/19. additionally, it was ranked number 11 on the billboard for that year.