Monday, March 11, 2013

3-11/the prequel 4 (doubt)...

good morning today is day 9
of my lenten project.
it is also monday, march 11, 2013.
i want to welcome you.


i happened to glance over at
a flat of geraniums i had never planted.
the whole flat had been dried up (dead)
for two months or longer.
i just hadn't taken the time
to discard them.

well, the whole flat had come to life.
the leaves were green,
and the flowers were in full bloom!!!

i knew...


yes, i said i sat there "knowing"...

knowing GOD was with me,
knowing mamaw was with HIM,
knowing the flowers had been dead,
and knowing HE'd breathed life
back into the flowers.
but, i suppose i 
(who didn't really know HIM yet)
 further affirmation.


when my mamaw died in 1997,
katherine was only four-years-old.
i mention this because 
my brother often laughs 
and refers to this period of my life

(the time between katherine's birth
and the time she was old enough
to enjoy pop culture)

as my 
"dark period".


it is true...

i hardly listened to any relevant radio.
unless it was on nickelodeon
or disney,
i did not watch it on television.

on the afternoon following
my mamaw's death,
i went in to work to get
things finished ahead of time
knowing i was going to have to
be away for several days.

i remember the silence was deafening;
so, i turned on the radio.
the first song i heard was a song
that spoke to my soul.
i didn't know who the artist was;
nor did i know the title of the song.
i knew it was for me.

it spoke of sorrow melting away.
it spoke of strength.
it spoke of survival.
most importantly,
it spoke of hope!

this song i was hearing
for the first time,
GOD was using to reassure me.
but, i needed more!

HE provided me with more.
the song was on the radio
on my way home from work that day.
the song was on the radio
the afternoon as i made my way
to the funeral home
for our family's

the song was on the radio
as we drove home from 
mamaw's funeral.
the song was my song.
it had been released


or so i believed.


i had to have a copy of it.

i needed it.


i still didn't know who the singer was,


i still didn't know the title of the song.

i remember going to the cemetery
at dusk
the night we entombed mamaw.
i couldn't get the random
words out of my head.

when i left her mausoleum,
i drove directly to our local walmart.

i made my way to the electronics department
in order to purchase the single.

once in the music area,
i looked at every one of the top singles' titles.
i didn't see anything that remotely looked
like what i imagined the title to be.

thus, i looked for someone to help me,

but there was only one woman working

in the department,

and she was covered up

with a line of people

there to pick up photos.

so, i made my way once again
back to the top singles area.
"it has to be here,"
i thought to myself.
as i was having this thought
i glanced down and saw
a random cassette
lying on the shelf beneath 
the singles.
i picked it up and looked at it.
it was the album of an artist
by the name of mariah carey.
i glanced at the back of the case,
and one song title caught my eye


"GOD, is this it?"
my bargaining began.
"i'm going to buy it.
if this is the song
i have been hearing,
i will really know
the flowers weren't
just a fluke.
i will KNOW know
this is YOU
talking to 

i will KNOW mamaw is with YOU!"


i rushed to the checkout lane,
paid for the tape,
asked the cashier to cut
the thick plastic, stocking frame
off of it.
then i raced to my car,
turned on the ignition,
ripped the packaging off the cassette's
stuck it in my player,
and fast-forwarded it to 
track number 4.

when the song started playing,
my eyes welled with tears.
hero was the song
i had been hearing on the radio.

"thank YOU, FATHER!"


"then HE said to thomas,
'put your finger here;
see my hands.
reach out your hand
and put it into my side.
stop doubting 
and believe.'" 
(niv/john 20:27)

i believe GOD speaks to
each one of us based upon
our individual need
in a very individual

at this point in my journey,
i knew HE was speaking to me 
through song and nature.


HE was also speaking to a 
"numbers woman"
in numbers.
i had just yet to recognize it.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

ps. mariah carey's hero was released 4 years prior to my hearing it for the first time...  on the 10/19. additionally, it was ranked number 11 on the billboard for that year.

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